Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
that may or may not have been my penis.
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