I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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