P.S. I can't hear my feet
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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