so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
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Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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