I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
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Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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