Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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