i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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