chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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