Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize