Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
