Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Let's paint friendship bongs
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
