my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
