So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
