I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
