She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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