Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just forgot I was standing up.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
