His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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