my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
