This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
