Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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