I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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