There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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