So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
