Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
