sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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