It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
