my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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