Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
