I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
