Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
