I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
