Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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