omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
