So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
