the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
