I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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