I accidentally burped into my bong.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
