Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
