remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
