I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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