I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
