in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
