don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you would pick up someone in the library
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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