If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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