Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
