That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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