Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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