Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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