hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
