are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
