I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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