Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
