My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
