We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
