You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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