I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
