I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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