woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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